Cliff notes version- I had one of the worst school years ever. Then, I had the best summer of my life. I was able to travel and visit family/loved ones I care so deeply about. I became best friends with Taylor and feel so incredibly blessed to have a sister out here in Utah. I went on a double date with Brandon, Josh, and Ani to Cedar Point. I actually went to Cedar Point three times, which was a freakin' blast! Don't believe me?!? See the picture below as proof.
Okay, maybe that picture doesn't exude the joy I felt riding those rides. It's my favorite one from my ventures though! Haha! I think it's a great analogy to the way I feel about life at this moment in time.
The last time I went, when we went with Brandon, I had a great time. I was so nervous for the whole event and I think it went well. That "summer fling" or "romance" (if you can call it that) in a nutshell: it was nice to feel loved for the first time in a long time in my life. It was nice to know that someone saw value in the person I am, even if it was short-lived.
This December, my youngest sister, Emi, got married. I was so ecstatic for her finding the "man of her dreams." I felt a tinge of sadness when I realized that things would once again, change in our family and never quite be the same. I am not so great with change, but whether I'm good at it or not, it comes around. Sometimes, like a freight train.
Favorite picture of the fambam
I caught the bouquet at her wedding though! Maybe that will bring me luck this year!
I know, I look desperate. Finding a husband is hardcore stuff!
When I was in the car taking a road trip to Ohio with my mom during the summer, we got to talk a lot and listen to a ton of 70s songs as we traveled. One such song was "Alone Again, Naturally." I had never listened to the words of this song very well prior to this time. I believe I had heard it before though- I loved how perfectly its sound depicts that era of music. As my mom recalled the words, I felt such sadness for the man described in the song. His whole life was one filled with loneliness and sadness. He was stood up at the alter, lost his dad and later, his mom, and went home to an empty place again and again. I couldn't help but relate to this song so well, and still do, particularly now at this point in my life. I am on my own for the first time and it's taking its toll on me. I keep wishing, hoping, that the next roommate I have will be my husband, but the more time passes, I worry that may not happen to me...
I have never felt really loved at any point in my life. I have never experienced someone looking to me as their first choice for someone who could make them happy and bring fulfillment to them. In high school, I didn't go out on dates often. I just never felt like I was worth much. I had crushes in youth. There were guys I was interested in, who liked me too, but they were few and far between. I remained strong in those days because I knew that I was going to BYU and things were going to be different for me there; things were going to change. I was going to go there and meet the "man of my dreams" and we were going to have our little "fairy tale" together and marry. That didn't happen... not even slightly. I attended church and met some nice guys. I had more crushes and after two heartbreaks, I threw in the towel. I became more depressed and I just gave up on all of it. I gained weight. Food became my happy place. And I felt more alone than ever.
Last school year, I just knew that things needed to change. I felt so bad about myself and who I had become. I felt like my life had just passed before my eyes and that I hadn't "really lived" for one second of it as of late. I went through one of the hardest school years of my life for multiple reasons, but I was able to lose weight. I still have more to go, but losing that weight did help me. It gave me back a teeny bit of that confidence I had lost so long ago and instilled a glimmer of hope in me that perhaps, just maybe, someone would be interested in me. Fast forward to Cedar Point the first time I went there with Ani over the summer. She told me at a point of us being in line for a coaster that someone was checking me out and I couldn't believe her. No one would ever look at me like that. No one could possibly like me. No, Ani's wrong. These were the thoughts running through my mind in that moment. When you go through most of your life without ever experiencing what it's like to be liked, you start to think there must be something wrong with you. If there wasn't, you would be dating, right?
Fast forward to my text conversations with Brandon. I had the biggest crush on him when I was in high school and nothing really ever came of it. He married someone a few years after high school and ended up getting divorced after less than two years of marriage. Apparently, his wife cheated on him, which is so sad. We started texting a lot and somehow, one of the nights, it came out that we liked each other. We planned to go to Cedar Point and I guess, just kind of see how things went from there.
I know this will sound so lame, but prior to finding out that Brandon reciprocated the feelings I felt for him, I was at a very low point in my life. I was feeling so down and awful about myself. I remember one night so vividly- I was praying to God, asking Him to help me to find someone to share my life with. I am not one to cry a lot, but on this particular night, I wept. I couldn't help but wonder why it had taken so long for me to find a significant other. I told God that I'm not strong enough to spend this life alone. I prayed that would not be the case.
Months ago, October of 2016 to be exact, Josh gave me a blessing when he was visiting and when he did, it told me that I would find someone. He talked about children who were waiting to complete my family. I had not told him or anyone about the feelings I had been feeling for so long prior to his visit. Only God knew the innermost desires of my heart and I am confident that He communicated with the worthy priesthood holder that Josh was in that moment to bring comfort to me. I felt the spirit as he said those words. I just wondered when they would happen. So on the summer night of 2016, when I was pouring my soul out to God, I wondered if the words of that blessing could ever become my reality instead of just a distant dream.
I feel that in the smallest way, which some may consider trivial or dumb even, God answered my prayer. It was literally the next day, when I felt I had given up and sunk to a level lower than I had ever been before, that Brandon texted me and we set up to go to Cedar Point together. In our conversation, I found out he liked me. Suddenly, my life felt more hopeful. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling what it felt like to be liked. I remember feeling so happy and thinking of what the future might hold. Looking back on it now, I see that I was pretty pathetic. How lame is it that something so small made such a huge difference in the way I viewed myself?
This school year, I have felt so much loneliness and sadness. I have felt like I am not worth anything. I have lost all confidence in myself. I have lost my identity. All my life, I grew up believing and thinking that when I got older, I would find someone and I would have children of my own. I love my family so much, but there are times that my heart breaks because I am reminded of what I wish I could have. I felt like the frumpy older sister at Emi's wedding. I was supposed to get married before her. That's the way it was supposed to go, right? Well, like many other things in my life, it didn't go according to plan. I feel stuck in my life. I find joy being around children and teaching them, yet I also feel the sting of sadness as I am reminded daily, of what I don't have. I've heard the quote, "stop looking for the man of your dreams and become the woman in his," but I just don't know if I'll ever become what I hope to be in the state I'm currently in. I have lost most of my hope.
Even when I go home, I'm not really "home" anymore. Life has moved on. Things have changed. The home I used to live at, which I grew up at, is not the same, nor am I the same person I was when I grew up in it. I don't belong in Pennsylvania. I don't belong in Utah. I feel I don't belong anywhere and that feeling is pretty lousy. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I hope things change. I will keep waking up and going through my routine every day, hoping for change. I will try to put a smile on my face even when I feel like crying. I will hide the deep sorrow and loneliness I feel. And every time I walk into my empty place, I will be "alone again, naturally."
Here's to hoping that may change this year. 2017- I'm counting on you.
"Alone Again, Naturally" by Gilbert O'Sullivan
