If only you knew that you have changed me so much already.
I have reevaluated everything about myself because of you.
I have analyzed the good, the bad, the ugly and the conclusion I've come to is that even if my bettering myself doesn't directly impact you, I'm so grateful you played a part in this process.
You wrote to me when I least expected it.
You made me feel important... special.
You gave me hope.
You gave me something to look forward to.
You also brought out my insecurities; I thought about what it would be like to meet you, and the negative, self-conscious me thought you would be so disappointed to meet me.
I worried I wouldn't live up to your image of me.
Each night, I've wanted to talk to you; to learn more about you.
I've seen your face a million times and doubt you've seen mine nearly as much.
It has been your face that has been motivating me; driving me to go forward, even when it feels impossible.
I want to be my best self for you, but the truth is, I don't even really know you...
I guess I don't even fully know myself.
But I'm getting there.
Baby steps...
One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time...
In the end, we will probably never meet, never talk face-to-face; never have a relationship.
We'll go our own ways, pursue our careers, date other people.
But, I think I'll never forget you, as crazy as that may sound.
I'll never forget how your contacting me changed me forever.
I'm not the same person I was those months ago when you first entered my life and I'm beyond happy about that.
I feel different... more hopeful somehow, like the world really is my oyster. My life is a blank canvas awaiting an artistic masterpiece to be revealed on it!
I can do anything! I'm in the biggest metamorphosis of my life.
I'm learning to love myself and I think that's the first step to ever giving my heart to someone else.
If only you knew how much I attribute that progress to you.
Thank you for that.
Dear You,
I've been waiting for you for quite some time now, wondering when we'll meet and experience the joys of life together. I've been wishing we could meet, if only in my dreams, but reality would be even better. I wonder what you look like; how you handle adversity and trials. Do you laugh like I do, even when stress could cause you to cry? I hope you do not take life too seriously; that you take moments to smile and soak in the joys life has placed in your path. I pray for you. I pray that you are living your life well, preparing to one day, be a husband to me and a father to our future children. I love you already...
Here are the qualities I hope you'll possess, which qualities I feel will make our relationship a strong, loving one, centered around the most important thing in life, God, our Heavenly Father. The things I'm asking of you, I am completely committed to doing, myself:
Treat me as your equal partner: I hope you will make decisions with me. I hope you will value the insight and intelligence I have to offer in our relationship. I wish to be on a level playing field with you, where our children can recognize you valuing me and what I contribute to our family.
Respect me: I hope you will set a very clear and poignant example for our sons and daughters to recognize how a spouse should be treated. Please do not argue with me in front of our children. Please do not treat me as an object, whose sole mission in life is to please you. Please do not say things to hurt me or cut deep down to the core; aimed at bringing out my insecurities. Instead, tell me I look beautiful just because. Tell me I'm funny. Tell me you don't know how you ever got so lucky as to have me in your life. Tell me life has new meaning with me, that you could never imagine a life without me. These acts of chivalry and kindness will not go unnoticed by others, especially our future children. They will pick up on them and without fully realizing it, will emulate what they see from you and me in their future relationships.
Make me feel special: This goes along with the desire for you to respect me (mentioned above), but it goes without saying. Please help me to feel like the sun rises and sets with me. Help me to see the greatness that lies inside of me. Come home early to spend time with me and our kids. Treat me to a spa day or a new outfit. Compliment my new hairstyle. Look at me like you would look at a brand new car. Bring me flowers. Take me out for ice cream. Make me laugh. Look into my eyes and see me, the girl your heart belongs to forever. Let me hold onto your arm during scary movies or haunted house adventures. Swear at people when they're cutting me off on the road and I look like I'm going to honk on the horn, but don't. Sing to me/with me. Kiss me on the swings. Actions speak louder than words. You can tell me you love me until you're blue in the face, but it is the way you treat me and the things you do to show me I am a top priority in your life that bring a genuine sincerity to your words. Honestly, I'd be perfectly content sitting with you and just "being" because all of the things listed above illustrate the desire I have to simply see that you care about me.
Love our children: Please be present in their lives. Come home from work. Put your work away and show them they are a priority. Make time for them. Bond with them, particularly in moments when they are sick or in need of help. These situations create an unshakeable bond with children. In their most dependent states, you show them you care by doing what they cannot. Tell our daughters they are beautiful and loved. Tell them they have bright futures ahead and that they will make amazing contributions to this world using their intelligence and talents. Raise our sons to love people; to work hard to one day, provide for a future spouse and family. Teach them to truly love a woman and not lust after her. There is a big difference. Teach them to look at women the way our Heavenly Father does, as great, noble daughters of a King. They are His princesses and should be treated as such. Help our children to know that they are smart; do not tease them or demean their intelligence to bring gain to yourself. Instead, build them up and aid them in seeing their full, limitless potential.
Make me laugh: This world is already so serious and full of problems/issues. There are enough negative stories and sad, depressing things out there. Instead of blending in with that kind of morose picture, please stand out. Be the sunshine in the storm. Be strong for all of us. Take the world upon your shoulders and shelter us from the harshness of life. I will be right there next to you, buoying you up and aiding you in this venture. Joke with me. Be silly. Be witty. Dance around like a goof ball. Talk in crazy accents. Make me laugh until tears stream out of my eyes. Happy wife = happy life, right?! Seriously though, if you can make me laugh, you've got my heart forever. If you can remind me that everything's going to be alright simply by saying something funny or making me giggle, you will have succeeded. Laughter refuels the soul.
Dance with me: I don't care if the music "moves you ugly." I just care that you're trying to move with me through life's crazy adventures. Dance like a crazy person and odds are, I'll be doing it crazier next to you. Twirl me around. Dip me when I least expect it. Hold me close and never let go. Dance with me like it's the first time, every time.
Love others: Spend your life exhausting every effort imaginable to make other people happy/have a more fulfilling life. Lend a hand to anyone in need. Do not do it for gain or notoriety. Likewise, do not do it with an expectation for something in return. Instead, do it because you love the Lord and you see great value in aiding His beloved sons and daughters. Give money to people who need it more than you. Show the Lord that you would give anything you have to serve Him. Make people feel brighter, happier people as a result of being in your presence.
Be strong: I need to know that you will be able to handle whatever trials God sees fit to place in our path. Will you cave under pressure and shrink under a rock, hoping that doing that will make "it all go away?" Or will you face what has been handed to you head-on, accepting the situation, and making the best of it? We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control howwerespond. Never forget that. I pray that in the moments that even I, start to question, or wonder if we can get through a trial, that you will remind me through your strength and stalwart attitude, that it will be okay. God will not forget us. He will do a work by and through us, which even we cannot fully fathom.
Be dependable: When you say you're going to do something, do it. "You're only as good as your word." Please show me and our children that your word is worth living up to. Make goals and stick to them, even when they are hard.
Be humble: No matter what success, notoriety, or fame you experience in life, always remember to possess humility. Recognize that your blessings are not a result of your own doing; that they come from a Higher Being. Don't let your looks or your intelligence get to your head, thinking that you are better than anyone. Cling to the work ethic you possessed to get to where you are and never lose sight of the people who helped you to get there. Always be humble and kind.
Be self-sufficient: Please cook, clean, and manage the household duties with me. This goes back to treating me as your equal. I am your partner and would love to do these things with you, as doing them together will create a unity and bond that is rooted in love and compassion. Show our children that a man belongs in the kitchen too. Show them that you know how to clean a toilet or do laundry. Help them to be self-sufficient so that they do not rely on their future spouses too heavily or expect them to do for them what they should be able to do for themselves.
Take pride in who you are: Please take good care of yourself. This includes your physical appearance, but extends much further than that. Please believe in yourself and your potential so much that it shows in the way you take on the world. Try to look your best and feel your very best so that you can contribute your very best in this world. Be passionate- you will feel so much more apt to be this way if you make your self-worth a priority.
Be adventurous: Try new things often and take me along for that ride of spontaneity! Please try to avoid getting stuck in ruts and feeling like we have to do the "same old, same old" in life. Teach me how to do something new (and be patient with me in the process). Try to acquire new hobbies/cultivate new talents. Sweep me off my feet by adding the element of surprise to things we do. Order something different at a restaurant. Take me to a place we've never gone before. Wear mismatched socks for crying out loud! Nothing screams adventure quite as much as that! ;-)
Give me opportunities to better myself: Please let me be more than just a housewife, mother, teacher, etc. Let me develop my own talents/hobbies. Allow me to hang out with girlfriends and to recharge my battery by being in their company. Let me have an identity outside of us. Trust me to make great decisions and to make choices in my life that will make us both better, in the long run.
Quote movies/shows often and recognize songs: What would a marriage be without great movie/show quotes and amazing music to accompany it?!?! Witty banter with movie quotes and songs is a must and I pray you'll be able to keep up with me and my family in this arena. Quote movies at the perfect moments and throw in a 70s or 80s song at opportune times. Me without movies= dull and lifeless... not pretty! Movies, shows, and songs are basically my identity so hop on the boat and start sailing because they'll become yours too.
Fall in love with me everyday: Talk to me. My love language is words of affirmation. I desire to know how my being me affects your being you. Help me to see my strengths/beautiful attributes, particularly when I struggle to see them in myself. Build my confidence. Stay faithful to me and love me, when my body changes in appearance during pregnancy and when my body looks top-notch after working out/trying to get it back to pre-baby days. Love me and my imperfections. Love my spirit. At the end of our life, it won't be our looks that bind us together. It will be our love, our life's adventures, and our treatment of each other that will. Always be kind and complimentary. You never know how much your compliments could change my whole being. Make me want to be a better person for you everyday. Love the Lord, then love me. If you love Him more than anything else, your love for me will take root and build the strongest of foundations for our family and future posterity. Each day, remind yourself one reason you married me/why you're glad you did. Make everyday the "best day" of our lives.
I hope you're out there, staying strong for the both of us. Meeting you will be the best thing that ever happens to my life. Until that day arrives, I'll keep striving to possess the qualities I asked of you. You are worth it.
So Matthew, when you come into my life, we'll both know I fit your criteria and you fit mine and the wait will most definitely, have been worth it! ;-)
I fall in love with you a little bit more each time I read this.
Now for the marathon of great love songs!
I'll do anything to "Get to You"
by James Morrison
I'll do all in my power to "Fix This World Up For You"
by James Morrison
Someday, I hope to hear you say, "'You Are the Best Thing' [That's] Ever Happened to Me"
By Ray LaMontagne
And finally the song, which inspired me to write this post in the first place: I hope to one day be your "Daisy"
by Jasper Sawyer
Have you ever struggled with feeling like you are worthy of something?
When I (insert blank here), I'll be good enough. Then he'll like me. Then, I'll be happy.
I fall into this mindset all the time. I think some of it stems from my childhood and how I was raised to be the best I could possibly be; failure was not an option. It was simply not a journey I wanted to take. It meant I didn't try hard enough... give enough... produce results.
Fast forward to this year... When I get in the best shape of my life, I'll put myself out there. I'll have some confidence in myself. I'll try online dating. I'll open myself up to rejection. I'll be good enough then...
I talk to people that surround me and all I really want to hear from them is that I am enough. That my being me is worthy of attention... deserving of love... important.
I worry I may never get there. It's definitely a journey. It's a good thing I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up!
Each day, I'll try to remind myself that I am worthy of someone else's love. I will strive to shake myself of the discouragement that doubt and lack of experience can bring.
So much has happened since my last post. So. much. I am too tired to write it all. Let's do a fast recap, shall we?!
Cliff notes version- I had one of the worst school years ever. Then, I had the best summer of my life. I was able to travel and visit family/loved ones I care so deeply about. I became best friends with Taylor and feel so incredibly blessed to have a sister out here in Utah. I went on a double date with Brandon, Josh, and Ani to Cedar Point. I actually went to Cedar Point three times, which was a freakin' blast! Don't believe me?!? See the picture below as proof.
Okay, maybe that picture doesn't exude the joy I felt riding those rides. It's my favorite one from my ventures though! Haha! I think it's a great analogy to the way I feel about life at this moment in time.
The last time I went, when we went with Brandon, I had a great time. I was so nervous for the whole event and I think it went well. That "summer fling" or "romance" (if you can call it that) in a nutshell: it was nice to feel loved for the first time in a long time in my life. It was nice to know that someone saw value in the person I am, even if it was short-lived.
This December, my youngest sister, Emi, got married. I was so ecstatic for her finding the "man of her dreams." I felt a tinge of sadness when I realized that things would once again, change in our family and never quite be the same. I am not so great with change, but whether I'm good at it or not, it comes around. Sometimes, like a freight train.
Favorite picture of the fambam
I caught the bouquet at her wedding though! Maybe that will bring me luck this year!
I know, I look desperate. Finding a husband is hardcore stuff!
When I was in the car taking a road trip to Ohio with my mom during the summer, we got to talk a lot and listen to a ton of 70s songs as we traveled. One such song was "Alone Again, Naturally." I had never listened to the words of this song very well prior to this time. I believe I had heard it before though- I loved how perfectly its sound depicts that era of music. As my mom recalled the words, I felt such sadness for the man described in the song. His whole life was one filled with loneliness and sadness. He was stood up at the alter, lost his dad and later, his mom, and went home to an empty place again and again. I couldn't help but relate to this song so well, and still do, particularly now at this point in my life. I am on my own for the first time and it's taking its toll on me. I keep wishing, hoping, that the next roommate I have will be my husband, but the more time passes, I worry that may not happen to me...
I have never felt really loved at any point in my life. I have never experienced someone looking to me as their first choice for someone who could make them happy and bring fulfillment to them. In high school, I didn't go out on dates often. I just never felt like I was worth much. I had crushes in youth. There were guys I was interested in, who liked me too, but they were few and far between. I remained strong in those days because I knew that I was going to BYU and things were going to be different for me there; things were going to change. I was going to go there and meet the "man of my dreams" and we were going to have our little "fairy tale" together and marry. That didn't happen... not even slightly. I attended church and met some nice guys. I had more crushes and after two heartbreaks, I threw in the towel. I became more depressed and I just gave up on all of it. I gained weight. Food became my happy place. And I felt more alone than ever.
Last school year, I just knew that things needed to change. I felt so bad about myself and who I had become. I felt like my life had just passed before my eyes and that I hadn't "really lived" for one second of it as of late. I went through one of the hardest school years of my life for multiple reasons, but I was able to lose weight. I still have more to go, but losing that weight did help me. It gave me back a teeny bit of that confidence I had lost so long ago and instilled a glimmer of hope in me that perhaps, just maybe, someone would be interested in me. Fast forward to Cedar Point the first time I went there with Ani over the summer. She told me at a point of us being in line for a coaster that someone was checking me out and I couldn't believe her. No one would ever look at me like that. No one could possibly like me. No, Ani's wrong. These were the thoughts running through my mind in that moment. When you go through most of your life without ever experiencing what it's like to be liked, you start to think there must be something wrong with you. If there wasn't, you would be dating, right?
Fast forward to my text conversations with Brandon. I had the biggest crush on him when I was in high school and nothing really ever came of it. He married someone a few years after high school and ended up getting divorced after less than two years of marriage. Apparently, his wife cheated on him, which is so sad. We started texting a lot and somehow, one of the nights, it came out that we liked each other. We planned to go to Cedar Point and I guess, just kind of see how things went from there.
I know this will sound so lame, but prior to finding out that Brandon reciprocated the feelings I felt for him, I was at a very low point in my life. I was feeling so down and awful about myself. I remember one night so vividly- I was praying to God, asking Him to help me to find someone to share my life with. I am not one to cry a lot, but on this particular night, I wept. I couldn't help but wonder why it had taken so long for me to find a significant other. I told God that I'm not strong enough to spend this life alone. I prayed that would not be the case.
Months ago, October of 2016 to be exact, Josh gave me a blessing when he was visiting and when he did, it told me that I would find someone. He talked about children who were waiting to complete my family. I had not told him or anyone about the feelings I had been feeling for so long prior to his visit. Only God knew the innermost desires of my heart and I am confident that He communicated with the worthy priesthood holder that Josh was in that moment to bring comfort to me. I felt the spirit as he said those words. I just wondered when they would happen. So on the summer night of 2016, when I was pouring my soul out to God, I wondered if the words of that blessing could ever become my reality instead of just a distant dream.
I feel that in the smallest way, which some may consider trivial or dumb even, God answered my prayer. It was literally the next day, when I felt I had given up and sunk to a level lower than I had ever been before, that Brandon texted me and we set up to go to Cedar Point together. In our conversation, I found out he liked me. Suddenly, my life felt more hopeful. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling what it felt like to be liked. I remember feeling so happy and thinking of what the future might hold. Looking back on it now, I see that I was pretty pathetic. How lame is it that something so small made such a huge difference in the way I viewed myself?
This school year, I have felt so much loneliness and sadness. I have felt like I am not worth anything. I have lost all confidence in myself. I have lost my identity. All my life, I grew up believing and thinking that when I got older, I would find someone and I would have children of my own. I love my family so much, but there are times that my heart breaks because I am reminded of what I wish I could have. I felt like the frumpy older sister at Emi's wedding. I was supposed to get married before her. That's the way it was supposed to go, right? Well, like many other things in my life, it didn't go according to plan. I feel stuck in my life. I find joy being around children and teaching them, yet I also feel the sting of sadness as I am reminded daily, of what I don't have. I've heard the quote, "stop looking for the man of your dreams and become the woman in his," but I just don't know if I'll ever become what I hope to be in the state I'm currently in. I have lost most of my hope.
Even when I go home, I'm not really "home" anymore. Life has moved on. Things have changed. The home I used to live at, which I grew up at, is not the same, nor am I the same person I was when I grew up in it. I don't belong in Pennsylvania. I don't belong in Utah. I feel I don't belong anywhere and that feeling is pretty lousy. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I hope things change. I will keep waking up and going through my routine every day, hoping for change. I will try to put a smile on my face even when I feel like crying. I will hide the deep sorrow and loneliness I feel. And every time I walk into my empty place, I will be "alone again, naturally."
Here's to hoping that may change this year. 2017- I'm counting on you.
