So much has happened in
these past few months. In the second week of May, Jenni and Zach took
their road trip back to Pennsylvania, leaving me alone here in
Utah. Prior to them leaving, we had an amazing weekend together. Friday
night, we had sushi and went to a movie. On Saturday, we went to Tucanos
for lunch. We had Rita's early in the evening. And then we went to a
club in Salt Lake to do karaoke. Chris started the night off right by
singing this classic:
"Never Surrender" by Corey Hart
As
cheesy as it may sound, I got a little emotional as Chris sang this
song. He dedicated it to Jenni as her going-away song to Philadelphia.
As I listened to the words of this song, its message resonated with me.
It's all about wishing we had more time in our lives and never giving up
or losing hope when trials arise. I will always remember that night,
that weekend, as I felt whole and complete in the presence of the people
I love most, even if it was just for that moment. I knew it was
fleeting and that I would never have that moment again, at least not in
the way I had before.
In
my life, I have had a few opportunities to sing with Chris. Growing up,
I idolized him and his musical ability. He wrote a song when he was in
his early teens and I loved it so much that I, in my young age, stole
the idea and tried to write my own song, which was a complete knock-off
of his. I have considered it a privilege to sing with him. We got to
sing, "Choose You This Day" in church together years ago. While we lived
together, we sang "My Grown Up Christmas List" at a ward Christmas
party. And the night of May 3, 2014, I had the chance to sing my
favorite song of all time with him at the karaoke place. Can you guess
what song we sang (keeping in mind that I chose it)?!?!? I've only
mentioned it in 2 or 3 blog posts! This song will definitely be played
at my wedding!
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship
You
know how certain moments in your life play slower than others?! It's as
if time stands still long enough for you to experience the moment so it
can become a treasured memory. That's how I felt about singing with my
brother. I love singing with him. I feel comfortable doing so and it's
as if he brings me extra confidence in the process. I suppose it has to
do with him taking care of his younger siblings- I'm no exception to
that. Through his accepting and kind nature, he has always had this way
of making people feel good about themselves.
The
night culminated in us doing karaoke to "This Is How We Do It." I swear
we had a version of the song different than the original because it
just didn't seem like the one we've heard and danced to in the past. We
waited literally hours to sing that song and by the time our moment came
around at 1:30 in the morning, I think we were all worn out and we just
didn't care. I remember literally laughing on stage and seeing my
siblings out of the corners of my eyes dancing. It didn't matter how
good or average our performance was, it was all about that moment of
dancing and singing with the siblings I love most. There are truly no
other people I'd rather do that with.
On
the day Zach and Jenni left, I was super bummed. I said the fastest
goodbye I've ever said in my life that morning. I knew if I did it any
longer, I would cry and get emotional. Did. not. want. that. I just kept
reminding myself that I would see them in just a few weeks for Emi's
graduation and that truly was what made the goodbye more bearable. I
will admit though, when I got home from work that day; home to an empty
house with no noise, no people, just me, I broke down. I was a baby and I
bawled. I looked in Jenni's and Zach's rooms and cried even more. I
especially struggled with Jenni leaving because she was leaving for
good. I will never live with her again. This year was it. I have lived
with her longer than anyone else in my family. With the exception of the
first 2 years I was in college, we've lived together. We've had our ups
and downs, but at the end of the day, she's my sister and I'm going to
miss having her around. I guess you never fully realize how much you
care about and appreciate a person until they are gone. It's as if you
just get used to having them around and in that way, can take them for
granted.
This "living alone" thing is not my thing. It has been so weird to not have anyone to talk to; to laugh with; to just be
with. I've decided it's not for me... I am 26 years old and I hear
people talk about how fast life goes all the time. I couldn't agree more
with them. However, I have truly felt like as fast as mine has gone, I
have felt like I've been a sort of spectator watching it pass before my
very eyes. It's as if the years since high school and college have
zoomed past like a scene in "Click" and like Adam Sandler, I have been
left clueless, wondering what in the world just happened. I have not
truly "lived" the life I imagined I would by this point and if it's
possible, I am more confused and unsure about life now than I was before
I started college. How is it possible to feel more doubtful and
uncertain when you have established a "grown up" life?! I have a job. I
guess that's pretty much all I have. I still feel like my life is
lacking the stability I have desired to feel for quite some time now... I
guess, in essence, I've been putting it all off in the hopes of finding
Mr. Right. Life will make more sense when he's in it. Though it
may be a naive thought, I would be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my
mind. I have desired to have a partner in this life; to have someone who
values me and shares my trials and victories. I have begun to wonder if
Mr. Right is really out there, a thought which is sobering and even
daunting to say the least. My hope is that he's just taken a wrong turn
somewhere and is trying to get the directions needed to get to me.
Here's to hoping he's not stuck in Timbuktu...
"Somebody to Love" by Queen
This
song has really meant a lot to me these past couple weeks... It's funny
how songs you've heard all of your life can suddenly transform and have
new meaning based on your current circumstances. Oh Freddy, we could've
been an awesome pair. But alas, I was probably not what you were
looking for *cough* you were probably looking for Stephen, not
Stephanie! ;-)
Right
now, it seems my life would best be likened to this hurdle race. I have
felt as if I have been falling over every one, but therein lies my
success and my victory: I keep getting up (and let's be honest- I
probably look just like the girl in the video when I do so. No
shame). Perhaps one of the greatest boxers of all time, Rocky Balboa,
said it best: "It's not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can
get hit and keep moving forward." Though it has felt as if life's
hurdles have been knocking me down, I will not give up. I will cling to
the hope of a new day; the hope that life is unpredictable. So much can
happen and change in just a day's time. I know this is true because of
my homeboy, Forrest. His chocolate simile is applicable to all: "Life
[is] like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
Another
reason I'll keep getting up relates to the hope and strength I find in
my family and the memories of my childhood. Boy, did that go by fast!!! I
never imagined just how quickly I would find myself leaving for college
and teaching little munchkins for a living, while living so far away
from so many loved ones. My favorite show of all time, The Wonder Years,
captures the way life passes before your very eyes far better than I
ever could put into words: "Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day
you're in diapers; the next day you're gone. But the memories of
childhood stay with you for the long haul." Oh Kevin Arnold, you nailed
it! My family is my world- they are the driving force that propels me
forward when I feel my feet are too weak to take one more step. I look
to them for support and strength and without fail, they give just that.
As I said earlier, I have never felt so uncertain about life as I do
now, but the things I am sure about, like my childhood and the siblings I
love more than life itself- they bring clarity to an otherwise murky
existence. I am both grateful and angry that I am as close to my
siblings as I am because it is REALLY hard to be away from them or live
far away from them, especially in light of having had the opportunity to
live with them many years outside of high school. We lived the dream
together- one of our wishes came true, one which we talked about since
we were little kids. We dreamed of living together in a condo at BYU
when we were "grown ups" and that dream was a reality I knew and will
cherish for the rest of my life. Though there is disappointment
associated with not being married by this point in my life, I am
grateful for it because had I gotten married, I wouldn't have had the
chance to live with my siblings as long as I did. I wouldn't have made
lasting memories, which will "stay with me for the long haul."
Merris Family Oct. 2012
"93 Million Miles" by Jason Mraz
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