Sometimes, I really wish that I had one of these:
I
wish I could see my future, even if I could only see a glimpse of it. I
wish I could see that certain milestones in my life had been reached;
that things I desire to happen would be a part of its projection. If I
could see myself with a family in the future, that would mean everything to me. To know that I would have someone to share this journey of life with would literally mean the world to me.
At this point in my life, my friends and family (both LDS and non-LDS) are doing one of three things:
1. Tying the knot
2. Getting Pregnant
or
3. Welcoming a Baby to the World
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm here...
(It's a bit of a stretch, but I think you get the point).
...Here
...And here
I
have found myself longing for the past I once knew; feeling as if life
will never be quite like that past. I have no idea what is in store for
me in the future. And I most definitely feel stuck... lost... unsure of
what to do in the present to make my future the kind of future I'd like
it to be. I feel as if I'm in a dream- this isn't real. This is not the
life I signed up for, nor is it what I had planned it to be. I was
supposed to get married, have a family, work a successful job. I was
supposed to do this... that... and the other... But it hasn't
happened...
I
keep hoping, wishing, and longing for my dreams to become my reality.
My heart yearns for a different life- a life filled with meaning.
At
this point, I am so happy to be living with my siblings, Zach and
Jenni. I love them and have the comfort of being with them on a daily
basis. Yet, my time with them is fleeting. I know that Jenni will be
going to Physician's Assistant (PA) School in May (most likely) and Zach
may go on a mission in the summer or fall. When these said things
happen, I'll be in this situation:
Wandering aimlessly through this life's journey, alone
To
think of living a life completely on my own is a scary thought. I never
imagined it would happen to me, but nevertheless, it is approaching,
and quickly at that. It is in this light that my biggest fear is
becoming a reality. I always feared I would spend my life alone. Each
time I watch one of my favorite movies, "While You Were Sleeping," I
worry I will be just like Lucy, minus the happy ending.
I'd
like to think that somewhere out there in this vast universe, there is a
special man waiting for me; waiting to start his life with me. I'd like to think I'd be just what he is looking for; the perfect match for him.
It's this kind of driving thought that gives me that little push to
keep moving forward; to keep going even when I feel I cannot take
another step. I would hope that my Heavenly Father, in His infinite
wisdom, knows me well enough to know that I need one of His precious
sons to share life with.
Somewhere
in the midst of college and work life, I lost myself. I lost my hope
and optimism for love... my excitement and zest for life... my desire
to make music... my desire to go out and be social... my drive to
develop/enrich my talents... my desire to stay in the best shape
possible. In essence, I lost my identity. I believe, in part, this stems from the fact that I have not found him yet.
It's as if I haven't been enjoying my life fully to date because I have
always been waiting for that "something better" to come around. Life will be so much better when I'm married. I know it's foolish to think this way, for doing so leads to never treasuring the joys of the present.
I'm
not sure about teaching anymore and whether or not it is a profession I
can picture myself doing until I retire. I love children and will
always have an infinite love for them, yet the world of education is
going in a direction I'm not sure I'd like to follow after. Part of my
loss in my identity, a big portion actually, is due to teaching. My life
is consumed with teaching and all of the responsibilities it entails. I
am eating, breathing, and sleeping education. It is practically all I
think about... all I stress about... all I have time to focus on. It is
consuming my life. I have felt so inadequate in this job- never feeling
like I'm measuring up to the zillion things I need to measure up to or
the zillion things I need to accomplish. To think of leaving the
teaching profession is a daunting thought. This was what I wanted and
planned to do since Middle School! How can I leave it now? What would I
do if I left this profession? Would I be truly happy anywhere else?
This adult thing kind of stinks.
I
know we're admonished to live in the present and not long for the past,
yet I can't help but wish I could go back to the simplicity I once
knew; back to the happiness that once filled my soul.
I know that it's impossible to go back. Where are Marty and Doc when you need them most?
Til'
the day that my life changes; til' the day arrives when my soul is
filled with joy in the House of the Lord as I marry my prince and
eternal companion- until that day arrives, I will keep fighting and will
let my hope and optimism burn bright.
"Someday My Prince Will Come" by Barbara Streisand
Somewhere out there, you are waiting for me and that thought will be the driving force that propels me to keep moving forward.
"Somewhere Out There" by Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram
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