"OncE WheN I WaS LittLE" (1/17/15)

I'm going to be honest, it's been a hard couple of weeks. I have been struggling to get my life "together" (whatever that means) and figure out where my future is headed. I have always feared embracing the unknown and such is the case for what lies ahead of me. I have my job in Utah and I have the stability that provides, yet that is about the only stability I currently have in my life. There are so many unknowns and the curious little girl in me yearns to know that things will fall into place; life will come together and will make sense. I've said it before, but I still wish I could look in a crystal ball, if only to know that the things I desire to know about my future would be seen inside of its pretty little glass sphere. Who knows?! I could look into it and see that my life went in a completely different direction than I desired and in turn, feel disappointed. There is a reason we're not able to see what lies ahead; knowing things like that could affect the present.

During Christmas break, I found out that my younger brother, who currently lives with me, will be staying another year in good old P-town. Yet, he has decided to live with friends from school instead of with me. The selfish side of me wants to scream out, "Please stay. Don't live with them. You'll have more fun with me." And the logical side of me understands that my brother has always lived with family since he came to college and has never really gotten to experience living with people his age. Truly, this news for next year has been a hard pill to swallow for me. I'm talking, I'm-gagging-choking-and-spitting-out-this-pill-over-and-over-again kind of hard. I have always feared that I would end up on my own and live by myself. You may think, Stephanie, there's a simple solution to your problem. Just live with roommates. To that suggestion, I say, I've been there and done that. I'm just not into it now. Getting new roommates is like opening up a box of assorted chocolates and wearing a blindfold as you try them. Some taste good and some are horrific. People are no different. I've experienced the good and I've experienced the bad.

Due to having bad experiences with roommates in the past, I just can't bring myself to a place where that appeals to me. I'm so scared of what lies ahead of me. I don't want to live alone and come home to an empty place every night. I don't want to laugh when a show or movie is on only to hear silence. I don't want to get sick and have no one to bring me consolation and peace that I can be taken care of. Mine is not the goal to go to movies or places to eat alone. Vacations without riding buddies or friends sound so tempting. Going on single-person road trips is the epitome of happiness in my book. Can you sense the sarcasm? Truly, I don't want to experience this journey of life on my own; I've always been around other people, always. I grew up in a big family with siblings I love more than anything. My mom had a pre-school daycare in our home since before I was born and noise permeated every last inch of it. I liked that noise and realized how much I thrived on it when I was removed from it by going to college. Granted, living in dorms had its noisy moments, but nothing quite like what I heard in my home. Beyond my home, I went into teaching and 1st grade at that, which is super noisy, as you can guess. That noise only lasts for a school day. The thought of coming home to silence is almost too much for me to bear. I don't quite know what to do to change my circumstances and feel so helpless. The time I've had living in different places with siblings is time I will cherish all the days of my life. I will never forget the joys I felt as I lived in a "home away from home" with them. These siblings are my best friends and a part of me wishes that I weren't so close to them because a future with all of them in it doesn't seem likely. By that, I mean, I think we're all going to end up living in different places and not get to see each other as often as I wish we could. It's a huge bummer.

Zach moving away is the official event that will mark the end of it all; when he leaves, the reality I've dreaded for so long will become my own. No matter what I do, I will be on my own. I can invest every ounce of time I have into my job (which I already do); I can do service; I can be selfish and do things for myself; I can do any of these things, but at the end of the day, they will not cause me to come home to a full house. Doing these things will not transport me into an alternate universe, where I have a life full of companionship. I've heard people say that life is SO much fun in your 20s. "It's the  best time in your life," people say. I couldn't disagree more. I think I've been in limbo for 10 years! Honestly, regardless of if I want to accept it or not, I have been forced to adjust to a time of never-ending change. I know I'm not alone in this notion in the slightest. People I knew or know are getting engaged, getting jobs, having babies, etc. As I said in a previous post, I have felt left behind in the whole process. I have been unable to find security. I wouldn't even mind being on this emotional roller coaster of life if I had a riding buddy to experience it with. It saddens me to think of going home to see my family twice a year. That is not enough! I hate how immune and unaffected I have become when I have to say goodbye to loved ones each time I leave them. It's as if this part of my life has become a series of hellos and goodbyes. I used to cry in those moments of departure, but now the tears just don't seem to make an appearance anymore. I've almost reached a point of not feeling, which bums me out. I guess it's just easier to do that than get too emotionally invested. In essence, I am trying to stay afloat on a boat that feels like it's sinking. You can bet I'm holding on for dear life with the grip of an anaconda. I have major decisions to make in the coming months and I'm just trying to put them out of my mind and avoid thinking about them, at least for a short time. I don't want to be a grown up and have the responsibilities that accompany this stage of life. I'm trying to find where I belong in this world. If my life is a painting, it's a little fuzzy and smeared at this point. Hopefully, in the end, it will turn into some sort of masterpiece.

It's at times like these that my brain reverts to songs to sum up how I'm feeling. I am in a state of self-reflection and hence feel like, "Reflection" by Christina Aguilera accurately depicts how I'm feeling at this time.

Additionally, I long to go back to a simpler time in my life when decisions were basic and life made more sense. James Morrison, one of my favorite singers of all, whom I have MET in person and been kissed on the cheek by sings a song that is amazing at describing my feelings. It is called "Once When I Was Little" and it is about the outlook you possess as a child. The world is your oyster and you look at it with a fresh set of optimistic eyes. You dream big and you have no inhibitions; often, you take the world on head on. Like him, when I was little, "…I could dream more then… I believed more then that the world could only get better…" 

Though I'm not little anymore and wish I were at times, I'm an adult, who needs to learn to put on my big girl pants and make it through this life on my own. I hope I will be empowered in the process and learn of the strengths that dwell within me, which may not be visible to me right now. Someday, I hope to look back on all the tests and trials I encounter in my life and confidently know that I gave my all in making it through them. After all, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson