Since I've been procrastinating my school work this whole weekend
coming up with epic movie lists and writing a poem about how I never
want to grow up and instead, be Peter Pan forever, I figured adding to
the madness wouldn't be such a bad idea. I have been thinking a lot
lately (let's be honest, I do this all the time) and I have been
reflecting on where my life has ended up. I graduated from BYU and got a
job teaching 1st grade. This year marks my second year doing so. I am
doing what I always imagined I would be, but somehow things feel
different than I envisioned they would by this point in life. I have not
found my "special someone" yet and I guess I always thought that when I
started my occupation, I would be able to share that journey alongside
my spouse. This is not to say that I do not have anyone to share my life
with- I have had the rare opportunity to live with my siblings for many
years. This next school year will mark the fifth year I have had the
privilege to live with them. I have the people I love most in my midst
24/7. I can talk with them about anything and I can always count on them
to make my life brighter and happier. Truly, I thank my Heavenly Father
for the gift He has given me in allowing me to live with such great
people.
At times, I have really struggled to enjoy the
present because of my knowledge of what lies ahead in the future. This
is the case for the situation of living with my siblings. This upcoming
year will be the last year I will get to live with them and even though I
have a whole year to enjoy in their company, I struggle with the
thought of leaving them in the end. I wonder what will become of me and
if I'll ever be able to be surrounded by the awesomeness that is my
family. Similarly to how I don't fully enjoy the present because of my
knowledge of the future, at times I have a hard time enjoying it because
of my longing for the past. I know, I know- you're thinking, Stephanie, let it go. Move on. Live in the moment.
Trust me, I tell myself this everyday, but it doesn't completely take
away my knowledge of where I once was and how much more certain my life
was when I was a kid and teenager. I had clear goals and I knew what I
needed to do to attain them. Leaving home for college changed all of
that and threw any certainty I had out the door. It was as if I was
catapulted into a river of change with no life raft to cling to. Since
I've gone to college, I have felt like I have had no permanent things in
my life. Yes, I have a job, but I don't have a husband, family,
permanent home, etc.
I think in essence, a part of me
has really longed to go back to my old life; back to the good old days,
which were filled with simplicity and hope. My parents were my rock and I
knew that I could always rely on them to guide me in the right
direction. They helped me to feel certain and sure- feelings I don't
know I've really felt these last few years.
Perhaps
one of my favorite movies explicates my feelings better than my own
words can express. It is called "13 Going on 30." If you are unfamiliar
with this movie, it is about a girl who turns 13 and on her birthday,
makes the wish to be "thirty, flirty, and thriving" because she thinks
that being older will solve all her current problems and make her life
perfect. Her wish comes true, yet her vision of life at this stage is
not at all what she imagined it would be. There is a scene in this
movie, where she is really struggling with where her 30-year-old self
has ended up. She wishes she could go back and change so many things;
that she could go back to being 13 and have the safety and security that
comes from being a kid. In this scene, she takes a train back to her
home, goes to her favorite thinking spot in her house (the closet of her
basement), and reunites with her mom and dad with tear-filled eyes. A
great song plays in the background of all these scenes called, "Vienna
Waits for You" by Billy Joel. I love its message and every time I hear
it, without fail, it makes me think of this movie and how the scenes can
be applied to my own life.
Billy Joel's "Vienna Waits for You"
John Mayer's "Stop this Train"
Though
there is a part of me that will always desire to go back to my days as a
kid and get off the speeding train of life as John Mayer describes it,
there is a part of me that knows growing up has to happen. It is
inevitable. Without trials and opportunities to step into the unknown, I
would never progress and live up to the great potential that resides
within me. I may stumble and fall along the way. Heck, I may even get
tripped by the hurdles of "grown up" life, but I know that in the
process, I will change for the better. I will be molded into what God
would have me become and let's hope that the end result is a masterpiece
and not a glob of gook. Haha! Truly, I am clay in the Master's hands
and I know that He will never stretch me beyond my own limitations. We
mortals, must stretch ourselves much like that clay in order to be
molded into greatness.
Michael Jackson's "Have You Seen My Childhood?"
I
think the reason I wrote the poem about Peter Pan is because I never
want to grow up and lose the childlike wonder that encompassed my soul
when I was a kid. I know my age will continue to increase as the years
go by, but I pray that with each passing year, I will never lose sight
of who I was; that forever ingrained and imprinted on my soul will be a
spirit of Peter Pan. I think James A. Owen, author of "The Search for
the Red Dragon," says it best: "'I know,' said Peter. 'Perhaps better
than anyone. But you can't stay a child forever. To choose to speak into
Echo's Well is to choose illusion. To choose to avoid the
responsibilities of being an adult. The real trick-- the real choice--
is to keep the best of the child you were, without forgetting when you
grow up. 'It is the best of both worlds, Jack. Being a child is to
believe in magic everywhere... but even Peter Pan had to grow up one
day.'"
Here's to
keeping the Peter Pan alive in all of us no matter how old we are and
to making the most of every precious moment that is given to us! Most
importantly, when it seems that life is knocking us down to the ground,
may we never forget the happy thoughts of our existence and pick
ourselves up to soar through whatever life hurls our way.
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